Intestinal Distress!

Apparently all those pastries in Moose Jaw not only added a food baby to my mid-section but contained ingredients my colon is repulsed by.

And another point goes to IBD... I missed an awesome osteology class for all the pain I just went through this evening!!! GUhhhhhhhhh.

Dear Ulcerative Colitis

Did you realize that since you've entered my life, I have experienced insane migraines which have reduced me to vomiting?

How about the fact that my immune system is now quite vulnerable?

Did you also know that the medication I have to take in order to avoid one of your villainous assaults on my bowels further degrades my immune system?

I don't know why you hate my guts so much, but I tell you, one day you won't be around to bug me as much.

Ashley

Breakfast for Dinner

Dear Intestines,

I got that you don't quite like me, however, I just don't get how you can hate BACON!?!?!?!?

Yes, yes, I realize that I don't quite like eating meat because I'm a lazy SoaB and don't like chewing it, but it's BACON!!!!!

Don't be hatein' the Bacon.... or else I'll have you removed.

K, have a good night!

Ash :)

Parmesian, You're On

Dear Intestines,

I really hate how you detest the cheeses! Parmesan is one of the best... not best smelling but amazing nonetheless.

I have deduced that when I eat Parmesan my intestines like to play Elevator and make me feel as though my intestines are about to hit the floor.

Although this is obviously a nuisance and inconvenience to my comfort there is no way I will be giving it up! For goodness-sake, I used to cut large chunks of Costco cheese to eat after school.

I'm also sensitive to vegetable and fruit skins. Hmmmm. I'm still eating all this stuff anyways, so I still win :) sort of.

Love,
Ashpie

Lay Out

Sounds my intestines makes:

Whale - literally sounds like a whale making a song

Elevator - it feels like a jerky elevator in my intestines w/ sounds in accordance w/ each motion

Gargle Monster - lots of gargling that lasts for way too long and I usually push on hoping to stifle the sounds.... fail...

Dear Arch Nemesis

So today was not so bad.

Can it be that all I really need to do is eat practically nothing to satisfy your pickiness?

I ate an apple pie-esque granola bar for pre-breakfast.
Then a Veggie Pizza for late brunch.
When I arrived back in the land of Sookites I then had me some pastrami w/ cracker and cream cheese.
And Truffles nom nom nom.

To my surprise I have not heard any death threats from you... however you're always one for the more dramatic entrances into silent situations.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am prepared for any retaliations from your side.

If you must please refrain from using your whale sounds and elevator sounds keep it at a soundless squeak, please and thank you.

Your Darling,

Ash-Pie